Misunderstood Jerks
by Immortal Shade
Summary: Dante, Vergil, and Nero bond over a certain activity on their day off. Oneshot. Contains suggestive themes.


**Misunderstood Jerks  
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><p>The demon population was steadily on the rise, and so it became increasingly rare for the Devil May Cry team to spend time altogether. This afternoon was one such occasion, and naturally, the ladies gravitated toward discussing the men's weaknesses in the secrecy of the upstairs bedroom, while the males, who were disinterested with all the feminine giggling, decided to hold their own testosterone-rimmed reunion separately downstairs.<p>

It wasn't until halfway through the afternoon that Trish, needing to venture downstairs to grab a few drinks, accidentally intruded upon the three white-haired demons' conversation. The female demon's eyes widened and she leapt back upstairs to inform the other ladies of what she'd just heard from behind the downstairs door leading to the main shop room.

"Lady! Kyrie! You won't believe what the guys are doing!"

Lady was the first to perk up interestedly, "What?"

"Come and listen for yourself!" Trish waved for them to follow while stifling her laughter.

Within seconds, three ears had pressed themselves against the wooden door, eager to hear...

"Hey Vergil, pass the lubricant won't you?" It was Dante's voice.

"Don't you think you've used enough, brother? You're practically dousing it in the stuff."

"Yea, well, works better for me this way. Y' know, slides better."

"Naw," it was Nero, "You're just getting old. Your hands are losing strength. See? I barely need any, and I'm doing just fine."

"Watch it with the 'old' jokes, kid. I've got years of experience while you've barely learned how to use yours yet."

"Righhhht. You're still making a mess though."

"No I'm not."

"Dante..."

"Yea Verge?"

"You spilled something."

"Oh did I?... Whoops, I'll get Lady to clean it up later. I hate cleaning sticky stuff."

At this point, the three women who were still listening intently to the conversation had all developed horrified expressions. It didn't take a genius to figure out what those perverted demons were doing on the other side of that door.

"This is disgusting. _They_ are disgusting!" Lady appeared ready to hurl.

Kyrie looked betrayed, as if suddenly realizing that her beloved Nero was not as innocent as she believed him to be. "Nero... he... he wouldn't!"

"What do you expect? Men are horny bastards," noted Trish matter-of-factly.

Vergil's voice stirred them from their thoughts, prompting them to listen against the door again.

"Dante, will you please stop touching mine. You're making me lose track... Plus, you're dripping on me."

"I was just helping you out, bro. Your motion's all wrong."

"And you're too full of it."

"Yea he is, isn't he?" Nero laughed. "No wonder women can't stand him."

"Says the guy who hasn't gotten past first base."

"Shut up!"

From behind the door, Kyrie had become beet red, quite aware of the two older women's quiet snickers.

There was a brief moment of chuckling from Dante and Vergil before the younger demon spoke up again.

"Damn, I'm getting tired already."

"As I said, your technique is all wrong."

"Then bestow us with thy great knowledge, oh wise one."

"Oh great..." Vergil sounded ecstatic.

"Thought you'd never ask." There was the sound of shuffling before Dante continued. "Okay, I'll show you a trick. If you point the tip upwards, it's easier to slide over all the spots. Like this!"

"Argh! I'm having trouble balancing it. It keeps wobbling."

"Here, let me show you."

"Ouch! That's kind of a tender spot!"

"Sorry, my bad."

"Get on with it."

A snigger sounded, from Vergil no doubt.

"Alright, see how it sticks straight up now?"

"Uh huh."

"You dab some lubricant on, give it a quick rub, and voila! See how nice it feels?"

Nero whistled. "Nice, it's feeling smoother already."

"Yep, and you can apply pressure really easily from this angle too. Use both hands at the same time if you need to."

"No kidding. Huh, who knew you'd be good at something."

Their conversation died down soon after this point, but the ladies had already heard enough to rush back upstairs giggling like schoolgirls.

Later that afternoon, the women finally returned downstairs.

"I take it you babes had fun upstairs?" Obviously it was Dante who stole the first line.

"Not as much fun as you guys seemed to have down here," Lady smirked.

The women all tried, unsuccessfully, to hide the huge grins plastered on their faces. The men were beginning to grow suspicious to say the least.

"So why are you boys not wearing any shirts?" asked Trish. For it was true; they were all topless, not that any of the women were complaining.

"They were getting in the way," Nero explained.

"Plus they would've gotten dirty," added Vergil, always the practical one.

"Why? What were you guys doing?" asked Kyrie, still attempting to suppress her giggles.

"Cleaning our swords," Dante answered.

"Oh, is _that_ what you call it nowadays?" Lady raised a brow slyly. _Must be a secret male code or something..._

Unfortunately, Dante looked genuinely confused, "Er... what else would it be called? You expect some technical term for it?"

This garnered uncertainty among the females too. As if on cue, they simultaneously turned to look at the weapon wall where, sure enough, Red Queen, Rebellion and Yamato hung there, all looking shinier and more polished than before. An appreciable amount of awkwardness subsequently filled the room as they slowly returned their gazes to the men.

Dante, being the pervert that he was, figured out their thoughts and proceeded to fold his arms over his chest, lips twitching in a teasing manner. His eyes bore down on the red-faced brunette, taking a few swaggering steps toward her. "So Lady, what exactly did you think we were doing if weapon-polishing wasn't on your mind?"

Lady's lips formed a thin line, cheeks flushed.

"It wasn't something _dirty_, was it?" the demon pressed, taking another step forward.

Not willing to be outdone by Dante's teasing, Lady managed to return to her normal composure.

"You're a dumbass, you know that?" She stomped past him, face scrunched in her usual frown. It was a lame comeback, and she knew that he knew it too.

"Sure, whatever," Dante shrugged absent-mindedly, still grinning like a maniac.

If there was one thing Dante was positive of now, it was that he wasn't the only one with naughty thoughts around there. This revelation would make living with her that much more amusing.

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><p><strong>A series featuring hot guys and large swords... yep, I definitely couldn't resist injecting some perverse humour into it xD<strong>

**I hope nobody takes offense to "jerks" being in the title. I intended to use it as a pun...  
><strong>


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